The words kept echoing in my mind, “Why do you honor your sons more than me?” (I Sam. 2:29) I was listening to the lecture in Bible Study Fellowship about Eli and his sons taken from I Sam. 2. God had planned for Eli’s family line to minister before Him forever but since the sons had not honored Him and would not accept discipline from their father, God changed his mind. Hophni and Phinehas would die in a battle the next day.
Perhaps I deserved the same rebuke and warning Eli received. Spencer, my oldest, had suffered a severe seizure at three months of age, which threatened his life. He had drifted into a coma as a result and suffered a dramatic drop in blood sugar. This greatly alarmed his pediatrician as well as the physicians at Arlington Memorial. His prognosis was grim. He recovered completely, however, a tribute to God’s faithfulness and mercy towards us.
Fast forward several years, Spencer’s father and I faced a second challenge to our son’s health. One morning in particular, I was scheduled to participate in a field trip with my eldest son’s school. The class and their mothers would gather at McDonald’s for a get-acquainted meeting. I had fallen into a bit of a casual attitude towards both discipline and single-minded devotion to the boys, distracted by the allure of fashion, decorating and upward mobility at the time. I arrived late as a result of a sale to find Spencer slumped down in his booth having a mild seizure. We rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.
I felt very convicted and wondered if Spencer’s seizure was a result of my own casual attitude towards my responsibility, although no one else in my bible group made this connection. I had been very lenient with my sons and often overcompensated as a result of my personal battle with rejection and own need for approval. I also knew I had most likely honored or adored them even over God at times. I was at a crossroads; either repent and assume responsibility, or face the consequences of my lackadaisical attitude.
After extensive tests and MRI’s in the hospital, we found out our four year old would have to have a life threatening surgery to remove a carrot size pancreatic tumor. The surgery would involve cutting him at the waistline all the way around to his back to access the tumor on the pancreas. Spencer remained upbeat and would actually say to me, “Don’t worry, Mommy, God is going to heal me!”
In the meantime, we took Spencer home to rest a few weeks and await the scheduled surgery. Alan stayed home one morning with the boys and insisted I attend my next Bible study. That was no accident.
The theme in Bible study that day was God’s use of suffering and loss and how he used it to shape our character. The lesson spoke of Abraham’s call to offer Isaac on the altar. I was learning that sometimes God might require great sacrifices to prove our faithful hearts. As we know, Abraham was spared the grief of losing his only son, Isaac, although he did not know in advance how the matter might end. God sent an angel to stop the slaughter and provided an alternative to the sacrifice of his son. Isaac’s life was spared, but not until Abraham’s convictions had been demonstrated. I was praying for a similar outcome, as Spencer faced this difficult surgery.
The next day I expressed my gratitude for the boys to God as I ran. Often we must be awakened to our blessings by the threat of the loss of them. Spencer had been such a joy and gift and I hadn’t deserved him. I confessed my lack of discipline in the lives of my boys and thanked God for the Bible study, which had awakened me to this important aspect of child raising.
I knew as a result of this sequence of events God was asking me to surrender my children to His oversight, trust Him, and rededicate myself to being more attentive to His guidance. I further stated that if this is what it took for me to get that dedicated character and to become more Christlike, I was willing. However, if He would give me another chance to parent and watch over my sons, I pledged to try my best to discipline them and bring them up in the fear of the Lord.
The impression that came immediately to mind was, “Peace I leave with you…” I later found the scripture to be John 14:27 which continued, “My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.” What a relief to have that peace and hope that all would turn out all right. I then composed a poem before going to bed that night.
Have Faith
Rest well, my son
And don’t you cry,
An angel told me you would not die.
Don’t worry in your little head
Especially when it’s time for bed
But snuggle up real close to me
I’ll be the pillow on which you flee.
And when you wake
You’ll find me there,
I’ll have my hand upon your hair,
And oh so comforting to know
Your heavenly Father loves you so.
Though sickness and sorrow sometimes we see,
As His Son died-He set us free!
We learn to trust the Lord above,
He knows all our paths and in His love
Can turn things around to work for good
And help us become all that we should.
Through tribulation and suffering we persevere
Until we feel His Presence draw near.
For God who made such little boys,
I pray this one remains with all his joys.
But I know the Father does know best
He formed him just like He did the rest.
Sometimes He wants them back you see,
They are a part of His family.
Even at such a young age, he could qualify
For upon the Lord he does rely.
So now I ask so selfishly
That this be only a test for me!
And spare him from some other task
And let us realize how much we’re blessed.
The words of “Peace I leave with you,” came to mind-
And I knew the miracle completely Thine.
We arrived at Cook’s Children’s hospital on the scheduled date and were asked to give permission for an arteriogram, which would confirm the exact location and detail of the growth on his pancreas and provide additional insight into the procedure. I remember signing the papers and being told of all the dangers and possible adverse effects this procedure might produce on my son’s young body. I was extremely burdened.
The test results, however, were inconclusive. The surgeons delayed for over an hour to communicate their progress, while the family anxiously awaited in the lobby. Finally, the doctor, who was almost apologetic, explained that they could not find the tumor and didn’t understand why it wasn’t showing up on the scan! In other words, the test was negative; there was NO TUMOR! The surgery was terminated until further investigation.
Our experience mirrored the events of the recent bible study. We were not forced to endure this dreaded potential threat to the life of our son.
The doctors were baffled by this sequence of events, and would not surrender a copy of the arteriogram to us. We wanted one as a testimony to God’s gracious intervention, but that was not to be. We knew exactly what had happened and would have to be satisfied with simply having our son returned to us without further surgery. Spencer was right. God had healed him and given me another chance at parenting.
As a young mother at the time, I know I sometimes took my toddlers for granted and wanted time to myself. God taught me valuable character building lessons of responsibility and stewardship of these precious gifts He had given me. He challenged my heart to trust Him with my sons even in crisis.
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